Today’s post is very introspective. Sorry. It’s more a cathartic output for myself than a post for others.
Once upon a time I leapt of a cliff into deep water. I did so to prove to myself that I can overcome fear – in this case my fear of heights. The drop happened faster than I had imagined. In fact, it was not so bad. But then I struck the water and found myself much further down than I had planned upon. I knew which way was up, and I strived in that direction, but for a while I did not think that I would make it with the breath that I had left. For the eternal course of a few seconds I felt tired and overwhelmed and desperate. It was a terrible feeling. But then I popped up into the air and the light and relief rapidly evolved into jubilation. Later I did it again and the struggle was briefer and the joy greater.
As you read this, I am still underwater. No, not real water, just the metaphorical stuff.
I honestly did not expect redundancy to so deflate me. The storms which struck on the last day of work isolated me by taking me away from the internet for three weeks (silly, I know, but that is how I felt). In those weeks a creeping doubt surfaced. Was I any good at my key skills? Did my role deserve to be made redundant? Would I get another job? Would I lose everything?
Such thoughts can really drain your soul.
Then I discovered that I would need undertake a cornea transplant/graft. This was both a joy and a dread. A joy in that I wanted sight back in my left eye. But I so hated eye operations. This was my third.
On the Ides of March (15th) I went under the knife. I was conscious – wide awake – with only the side of my head numbed. During the last operation I had seen nothing but what appeared to be a light sabre duel in the dark and that had been acceptable. But this time, at about 3cm from my eye, a scalpel materialised in front of me. 3cm was the extent of my distance vision pre-operation.
“Am I supposed to actually see the scalpel?” I blurted.
“Yes,” the surgeon responded. I think that he gave an explanation too, but that did not stick. All that filled my mind was that I was going to have to watch him cut off a part of my eye and stitch on another part.
And indeed, that is what I did do. Talk about psychological scarring!
This said, the surgeon did a marvellous job. Almost three weeks later I am stoked to report that I can see distant objects with that eye – albeit blurry distant objects. Next week he may start trying out lenses on me, which will be good because I am sick of the fuzzy land that I have been inhabiting for quite a while now.
The only down side has been that I turned out to be one of the unlucky few who find light unbearable for some time after the operation. To begin with I stayed indoors. Unfortunately I had a cousin visit from North Carolina (in the US, I live in Australia). I had not seen her since I was 2 years old (so my memory of her was a tad vague). I showed her around for a day, despite the eye, and I swear it was like someone poking a charred stick into my eye socket. This, despite wearing dark sunnies and a cotton wad. The only other outing was a day at Sydney’s Royal Easter Show. Needed to do this as both my daughter and I had entered the photography competition there. Neither of us won anything, but that was not the goal. Rhiannon was elated seeing her photo up there with others. This aside, I remain mostly inside. It leaves me feeling depressed. Until today I was not even using the computer very much. Instead I just lay on my lounge listening to documentaries and quiz shows.
The only other piece of excitement was some frustration with the DAZ website. I used to have a gallery of my art there. But then I posted my last picture. You know, this one:
Apparently it was too rude and got taken down, a stern email coming my way.
I thereupon entered into a fairly energetic campaign to turn that decision around but I failed to sway them. I therefore have removed my gallery from their site.
So what is in my immediate future?
More healing, but the biggest challenge is going to be learning Blender properly. I have to design some art work for a medical conference in Paris. This involves creating a 3D lab with an X-Ray machine. I am a bit overwhelmed, but there it is.
OK. My eye is sore. I will stop writing now.
Apologies to you all. I have ignored you and feel much guilt. Hopefully I will come gasping out of the water soon.